I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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