and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
