What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i dont even know how to be here
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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