The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
