I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
