Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
