On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
