We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
