it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
