At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
