i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
