I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am spending my child support on dildos
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize