Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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