why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
