I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
