why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
