In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
