I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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