so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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