wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
