i think my tv is drunk
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
