my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
