According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
