Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I see more hoeing in ur future
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