Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
