The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
