Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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