remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Randomize
