I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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