alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
