Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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