The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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