I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
