I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
home. puking in laundry basket.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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