i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
