If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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