while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize