there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
