I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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