is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
