I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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