Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have feelings that need drinking.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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