yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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