why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
