Non-Jews are for practice
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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