i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
