The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
