guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
