watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
