I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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