im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
