Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
