at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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