As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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