This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
They have beer where we have blood.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
