There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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