Pappa wants mamma naked
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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